Unbelievable

Brought up from childhood with a strange mix of agnosticism and traditionality, post my mother's death I could barely find meaning in her difficult life and early end. The grieving was probably so strong that, today in retrospect, with my current knowledge theosophically, I realise her soul had to find some way for me to understand all this.  Then one fine afternoon, Theosophy came gently in and slowly embedded its seeds in my broken heart, giving a scientific explanation for almost all my past struggles, my loss, my failures and a terrible realisation came in,  that I did not like who I had become, in these years.
I began to reclaim who I was, the battering both self inflicted and external, finally found reconnaissance in the only thing that I remember starting my mind life with- a deep love for truth and beauty in everything. A daily prayer as a ten year old, in front of a beloved wooden baby krishna on a swing would take me to the highest planes of clear inner peace. A pansy flower could mesmerise me as I used to sit trying to capture its hues in watercolors, as a eleven year old. Walks under starlit skies were my favourite evening passtime as a teen. And Hugo's artistry in Le Miserables could keep such evening walks enthralled in the deepest of contemplations.
The pressure to prove my worth had much later made me loose all my natural worthiness.
Today as I reflect, so much has happened, I lost my Dad too, strangely, it seemed like I had been finally released from a karma that had pinned me down. I felt once more the same person, I was as a kid- innocent, unblemished and searching for God and Beauty.
Unbelievable that the lady who loved me her whole life as honestly as she could, even after her death, didnt stop worrying about me, for she finally lead me back to myself.
And now I am washed of all that beseiged me these years as I continue to grow and  love all the people with and away from me, realising the timelessness of this, my perfect life.