Fatigue

When you want to live a life of complete honesty and fairness, and are continuously faced with peoples' hypocrisy and how they take advantage of a system or a person, one gets simply fatigued. One can't change another by dialogue, one has to let life experiences teach. One needs calmness and a strong belief in the value of fairness and that eventually , life will give what was your just due.
Maintaining calm in a storm of negativity is by itself a big achievement, though it appears at first to be a thoughtless state, its only with deep and clear rational thought that one sees through the foolishness of others, and thus not let it anger us one bit. Once that inner effort of reaching clarity on every issue that bothers us is put, slowly one's tranquility is restored.
One of the best ways to live life is to work towards making someone's life a tad better today-share a laugh, point out a positive quality in them, be nice. Over time, hopefully the unrest of lies and deceit, reduces and you don't have to battle through your inner anger at what you face.
Life is what we make of it-happy, fair and full of luminous energy, or a daily, hourly drudge, where the lines of external and internal injuries get smudged. One needs to to recognise this difference- that which you have not caused and that which you have a control over. You have a control over your own mind, heart and body.....firmly establish that and not be like a weak stowaway boat driven directionless in a turbulent sea. Steer this precious boat to a meaningful destination.

The death of a relationship

Does a relationship with another soul die with death , does it stay alive with life?
What is a relationship? Is it the eclectic mix of happy/unhappy memories and the desire to have future experiences with another? Would a relationship cease to exist if it had no future? If we are ageless sparks, in theosophical terms, there is no such thing as 'no future', though perhaps no immediate future, which again needs a fine tuned- 'in this current birth' future.
Why do two people come together? There seems to be two reasons for this - one to learn something , two, to balance a good/ action of past lives or this birth. Both  reasons fulfill only one goal- they change something in us, prune something, grow something else.
If the purpose of all relationships was only to bring this change, can we then say that there is no such thing as a living or a dying relationship, in whatever form it appears, even in a one with no ' immediate pleasant future' it has a value for us, if that change in us is a necessary one.
One hears such a lot about' caustic relationships' , ' staying away from negative people', ' getting rid of rude, critical and argumentative people', but eventually why does it happen that one seems to keep attracting the same kind of people all the time? I think if we put the effort to change ourselves fully, the first time, it wont happen again, but it keeps happening because the change is not complete enough.
On another note, I was thinking today- why does every man regard another a threat? Why are we building these fragile fences of 'me and my strengths' to combat this perceived threat from the world around us. And after we build the fence, we sit on our side, aiming our guns at innocent tresspassers, quite like lunatics.
In reality the final end of relationship is  being in complete non -violent harmony with the other, viewing him or her as another reflection of our own selves. Such a reflection could reinforce our inner resolve to continue this journey, in either admiration for the other or in hope for a better development, depending on what one sees. Relationships end when there is no give and take...until one continues, even in the mind to hate OR love, they live, its in the collapse of these extremes that relationships really end. Its a tough thing, as one can have a 'hate' relationship even with a dead person and tie yourself down. Understanding these reflections, seeing what was causing your unhappiness removes the same. Ultimately one realizes that life throws relationships at you, so you can see yourself completely stripped of them,  see your naked inner self and what that lacks. Relationships are nothing but mirrors to our own multifaceted selves. Some reflect well, some ugly. Finally it is the equilibrium of the self against all reflections is the so called 'nirvana' that man seeks, the enlightenment that one strives for. It requires a lot of inner work for a person to develop this complete inner harmony, and it certainly is not something that happens by sitting in meditation under one Bodhi tree. Its wisely said, that the mind is a monkey, and a steady state is truly an achievement, not just being an externally calm person, but having complete inner tranquility..its at that stage that all relationships cease.

Unbelievable

Brought up from childhood with a strange mix of agnosticism and traditionality, post my mother's death I could barely find meaning in her difficult life and early end. The grieving was probably so strong that, today in retrospect, with my current knowledge theosophically, I realise her soul had to find some way for me to understand all this.  Then one fine afternoon, Theosophy came gently in and slowly embedded its seeds in my broken heart, giving a scientific explanation for almost all my past struggles, my loss, my failures and a terrible realisation came in,  that I did not like who I had become, in these years.
I began to reclaim who I was, the battering both self inflicted and external, finally found reconnaissance in the only thing that I remember starting my mind life with- a deep love for truth and beauty in everything. A daily prayer as a ten year old, in front of a beloved wooden baby krishna on a swing would take me to the highest planes of clear inner peace. A pansy flower could mesmerise me as I used to sit trying to capture its hues in watercolors, as a eleven year old. Walks under starlit skies were my favourite evening passtime as a teen. And Hugo's artistry in Le Miserables could keep such evening walks enthralled in the deepest of contemplations.
The pressure to prove my worth had much later made me loose all my natural worthiness.
Today as I reflect, so much has happened, I lost my Dad too, strangely, it seemed like I had been finally released from a karma that had pinned me down. I felt once more the same person, I was as a kid- innocent, unblemished and searching for God and Beauty.
Unbelievable that the lady who loved me her whole life as honestly as she could, even after her death, didnt stop worrying about me, for she finally lead me back to myself.
And now I am washed of all that beseiged me these years as I continue to grow and  love all the people with and away from me, realising the timelessness of this, my perfect life.