What to do with the adult special person?
In the working years of one's life roughly from around 24 to perhaps about 55 years of age, most humans have a strong urge to be occupied, to be part of a productive social group. Work gives meaning to our days and sleep to our nights. A life of idle dreaming and lethargy is not appealing beyond short intervals. Setting goals, working towards them, then reassessing and setting new ones, this is the onward spiral of life.
Can one say that the special adult has the same drives, the same compulsions? Are they also restless to 'do' something to 'get' somewhere?
This is very hard to say. In most cases, that I have personally come across, I find a certain passivity, a certain non-ambitiousness in most special adults. Specially those who are intellectually different. They seem to find happiness in small things- meeting people, sharing a laugh, accomplishing some given task, rather than being actively disturbed by any inner restlessness which propels them to do something on their own. They seem to be happy to go with the flow of all that is happening around them. Perhaps their inadequacies and how far they lag behind in the real world is more apparent to them and being in the moment is reassuring, calming.
In such a scenario what does the aging parent do. Assuming the parent is in her late forties or early fifties as the young special adult walks in his twenties, for the special parent, life is too long, even dull and still has potential. Should they start some business with the special adult, should they start some scheme? The restless special parent has to deal with uncomfortable questions once again. Just a daily routine of eating, resting, watching some screen, or reading something, doesn't satisfy the parent at least! Its seems that life is offering a second chance to do something now that the special adult is not a demanding kid with therapies, schools and classes to be juggled with. Many succumb to this restlessness and start something to 'pass the time' and be actively part of society and not withdraw from active life.
Dhruv is now 17. Most of the day he stays indoors, watching his iPad. Encouraging him to take up any new activity has fallen flatly on our face. He is cheerful, funny, makes us laugh and seems quite content with himself, at least for now.
My friend who has been running a self- help group first from her home, and now at Mitr often encourages Dhruv to participate in the works that the interns do at the centre. Over the last three months, all her requests to Dhruv have failed. I have tried telling my friend, let him be, he is happy, he doesn't seem to want to do anything. But for some reason my friend keeps checking on whether Dhruv will join in, though now I suspect she has given up.
Perhaps the 'What to do?' is not bothering either of us so much. We seem to find contentment in small things. Yes there are moments of restlessness, but they pass away speedily. Our days are fulfilling and we sleep soundly. The pace of Dhruv's life is different. Having no idea of time- of days or months or years, he lives alive in the present, neither in the past or the future.
I see older parents take on massive responsibilities, sometimes heading centers, sometimes starting businesses, being active on the social media, taking up social causes. Each person does what he or she is compelled to do. But I have yet to come across one special adult with intellectual challenges similarly motivated. This is the sobering truth. Why are we not able to bridge this crucial gap of 'motivation'?
What can create 'motivation' in a special child/adult?
Motivation comes from the existential angst of making something meaningful of our lives, our time on earth, or from a real need for survival, or to seek the approval of another. If the protected special adult has none of these needs or desires, he has already lost on the reasons to stay motivated. I have myself and also seen others talk to their special children in voices like 'if you don't do this or do this you will be taken to the hospital when you grow up', and similar such fear-inducing blackmail. Though rarely does a special child understand anything other than 'my mom is surely annoyed with me now'! The future is a concept not clearly understood by special children, so such threats have no value. As adulthood comes, siblings realise that their special brother or sister will remain special throughout their lives and its going to be a business of managing a lot in their lives.
Some parents with a single child or not wanting to impose their child on siblings have already booked or are staying in retirement type facilities where the 'after them' question is answered.
Having now seen the gamut of raising special children from infancy to adulthood, made friends with parents from both ends, I have drawn some conclusions.
Firstly I feel, like any child, special children will need the parents' love and support and will flourish with the same. So as a parent this is the first task at hand- accept the responsibility of being a life long 'nourisher'. However much you may want to go to the 'hills that are alive', 'the sound of music' is certainly coming from the home and the hearth! So there is no running away from this.
Having accepted this, its also time to do a little more for yourself than you did before, for you have raised a child to adulthood and its time to give yourself some rope to fulfil other needs that you may have long put on hold. Write that book, paint that picture, learn that instrument, or take up any work that fulfils one.
Its time also to accept whatever is your level of success or failure in the parenting that you did, the choices you made for your child and you. Of course there will be things that went right and things that went wrong.
The final yardstick of good parenting is having a child that is stable, sane and a contributing member of society. Special adults can contribute by being a source of calm and joy, to bring families together, to live in the moment and to be there for their families in times of strife.
In the working years of one's life roughly from around 24 to perhaps about 55 years of age, most humans have a strong urge to be occupied, to be part of a productive social group. Work gives meaning to our days and sleep to our nights. A life of idle dreaming and lethargy is not appealing beyond short intervals. Setting goals, working towards them, then reassessing and setting new ones, this is the onward spiral of life.
Can one say that the special adult has the same drives, the same compulsions? Are they also restless to 'do' something to 'get' somewhere?
This is very hard to say. In most cases, that I have personally come across, I find a certain passivity, a certain non-ambitiousness in most special adults. Specially those who are intellectually different. They seem to find happiness in small things- meeting people, sharing a laugh, accomplishing some given task, rather than being actively disturbed by any inner restlessness which propels them to do something on their own. They seem to be happy to go with the flow of all that is happening around them. Perhaps their inadequacies and how far they lag behind in the real world is more apparent to them and being in the moment is reassuring, calming.
In such a scenario what does the aging parent do. Assuming the parent is in her late forties or early fifties as the young special adult walks in his twenties, for the special parent, life is too long, even dull and still has potential. Should they start some business with the special adult, should they start some scheme? The restless special parent has to deal with uncomfortable questions once again. Just a daily routine of eating, resting, watching some screen, or reading something, doesn't satisfy the parent at least! Its seems that life is offering a second chance to do something now that the special adult is not a demanding kid with therapies, schools and classes to be juggled with. Many succumb to this restlessness and start something to 'pass the time' and be actively part of society and not withdraw from active life.
Dhruv is now 17. Most of the day he stays indoors, watching his iPad. Encouraging him to take up any new activity has fallen flatly on our face. He is cheerful, funny, makes us laugh and seems quite content with himself, at least for now.
My friend who has been running a self- help group first from her home, and now at Mitr often encourages Dhruv to participate in the works that the interns do at the centre. Over the last three months, all her requests to Dhruv have failed. I have tried telling my friend, let him be, he is happy, he doesn't seem to want to do anything. But for some reason my friend keeps checking on whether Dhruv will join in, though now I suspect she has given up.
Perhaps the 'What to do?' is not bothering either of us so much. We seem to find contentment in small things. Yes there are moments of restlessness, but they pass away speedily. Our days are fulfilling and we sleep soundly. The pace of Dhruv's life is different. Having no idea of time- of days or months or years, he lives alive in the present, neither in the past or the future.
I see older parents take on massive responsibilities, sometimes heading centers, sometimes starting businesses, being active on the social media, taking up social causes. Each person does what he or she is compelled to do. But I have yet to come across one special adult with intellectual challenges similarly motivated. This is the sobering truth. Why are we not able to bridge this crucial gap of 'motivation'?
What can create 'motivation' in a special child/adult?
Motivation comes from the existential angst of making something meaningful of our lives, our time on earth, or from a real need for survival, or to seek the approval of another. If the protected special adult has none of these needs or desires, he has already lost on the reasons to stay motivated. I have myself and also seen others talk to their special children in voices like 'if you don't do this or do this you will be taken to the hospital when you grow up', and similar such fear-inducing blackmail. Though rarely does a special child understand anything other than 'my mom is surely annoyed with me now'! The future is a concept not clearly understood by special children, so such threats have no value. As adulthood comes, siblings realise that their special brother or sister will remain special throughout their lives and its going to be a business of managing a lot in their lives.
Some parents with a single child or not wanting to impose their child on siblings have already booked or are staying in retirement type facilities where the 'after them' question is answered.
Having now seen the gamut of raising special children from infancy to adulthood, made friends with parents from both ends, I have drawn some conclusions.
Firstly I feel, like any child, special children will need the parents' love and support and will flourish with the same. So as a parent this is the first task at hand- accept the responsibility of being a life long 'nourisher'. However much you may want to go to the 'hills that are alive', 'the sound of music' is certainly coming from the home and the hearth! So there is no running away from this.
Having accepted this, its also time to do a little more for yourself than you did before, for you have raised a child to adulthood and its time to give yourself some rope to fulfil other needs that you may have long put on hold. Write that book, paint that picture, learn that instrument, or take up any work that fulfils one.
Its time also to accept whatever is your level of success or failure in the parenting that you did, the choices you made for your child and you. Of course there will be things that went right and things that went wrong.
The final yardstick of good parenting is having a child that is stable, sane and a contributing member of society. Special adults can contribute by being a source of calm and joy, to bring families together, to live in the moment and to be there for their families in times of strife.
