The Ministry of Utmost Happiness

Arundhati Roy, after navigating through the dense forests of God of Small Things, and disliking the book with its darkness, quaint twisted language and sad semi-autobiographical sketch, I was quite sure of not picking up her second novel. So when a new friend, gave me the book and said she didn't want it back, I just kept it for a while on my bookshelf, not knowing what to do with. Three days ago, I began reading it and finished last evening.
This book, I really did enjoy, even though I somewhat rushed through it, afraid, I wont be able to finish it, if I stopped now, cause the book drops names, poems, songs at such rapidity, mixed with true sounding dire stories, theories, lots of animals and the desolateness of a human heart with such avalanche-like turbulence, that unless one goes through it quickly, one would not want to do it again. The protagonist, who initially for almost half the book seemed to be a hijra, Anjum, turns out to be a second person, Tilotamma, actually Arundhati herself, an architect, who had studied in delhi but from Kerala, a broken home, a strange unloved childhood. Smoking and living on the edge of society. The book really grips one's attention, specially the parts in Kashmir, the tale of Gulrez and Musa, the Kashmiri father turned militant. There is so much pathos, and like Roy says in an interview somewhere- you need to read the book again and again to get what it is saying.
I cant bring myself to do that immediately. But this is what the first reading gives me. Roy is suggesting that India will pay a price for what is happening in Kashmir. Somewhere, between modernity and tradition another truth lies, which does not go to either extreme. While the book reflects dislike for all modern developments, at one point convincingly says that perhaps Kashmir belongs to  neither countries but to its wild animals, is modernity such an evil thing? Quite many a paragraphs talk of extreme physical discomfort in hot climates, in filthy surroundings, and when Tilotamma meets her erstwhile lover, she allows him near her only after he has had a good shower with soap and shampoo! Surely we need our buildings, our bathrooms and our showers! And while the book treats animals at par with humans, it equally discusses rogan josh and kebab with salivation.

Honestly, the book tires. My eyes feel tired, I feel I am seeing the filth of our cities- non stop. Am seeing the utter inhumanity of humans. The utter non sense of what we call our lives. India, a country of one billion bigots. I almost want to see a more positive movie straight away, to pull myself of the darkness of the book. Only this darkness is compelling. It makes me want to go back and try to adjust my eyes so I can glimpse at the outline of the figures in the dark. To understand what really is going on in this mad world and in India today, what makes me call myself an indian, and why though born 'upper class, upper caste', my life was brutalised by cruel convent nuns, constantly judged by family, and abandoned by friends, doesn't feel like a great solace for being born so, yet is actually a boon compared to being born as anything else.

It really isn't the system that hurts you, its just who you encounter in it.
For me at times I feel, all life could be just like in the movie 'Life is Beautiful' where a child is made to believe, thanks to his father's inventive stories that his life as a Jew in a concentration camp in Germany was just a game, that life really was beautiful.
Could we not invent some way in which to make all the ugliness that is India today go away with another narrative? Or many such narratives. Many stories are balms, many are wounds. Utmost happiness gives utmost sorrow, is a wound.
I don't want to stereotype one more person. The book stereotypes the world. Every human being has the constant ability to do something that he has done a million times the same way, this time anew.
Perhaps there is no way to tell a tale without stereotyping. But all life is in the unexpected, the unpredictable- the kindness of strangers.
More, after the next dip into the book..

What to do?

What to do with the adult special person?

In the working years of one's life roughly from around 24 to perhaps about 55 years of age, most humans have a strong urge to be occupied, to be part of a productive social group. Work gives meaning to our days and sleep to our nights. A life of idle dreaming and lethargy is not appealing beyond short intervals. Setting goals, working towards them, then reassessing and setting new ones, this is the onward spiral of life.
Can one say that the special adult has the same drives, the same compulsions? Are they also restless to 'do' something to 'get' somewhere?
This is very hard to say. In most cases, that I have personally come across, I find a certain passivity, a certain non-ambitiousness in most special adults. Specially those who are intellectually different. They seem to find happiness in small things- meeting people, sharing a laugh, accomplishing some given task, rather than being actively disturbed by any inner restlessness which propels them to do something on their own. They seem to be happy to go with the flow of all that is happening around them. Perhaps their inadequacies and how far they lag behind in the real world is more apparent to them and being in  the moment is reassuring, calming.
In such a scenario what does the aging parent do. Assuming the parent is in her late forties or early fifties as the young special adult walks in his twenties, for the special parent, life is too long, even dull and still has potential. Should they start some business with the special adult, should they start some scheme? The restless special parent has to deal with uncomfortable questions once again. Just a daily routine of eating, resting, watching some screen, or reading something, doesn't satisfy the parent at least! Its seems that life is offering a second chance to do something now that the special adult is not a demanding kid with therapies, schools and classes to be juggled with. Many succumb to this restlessness and start something to 'pass the time' and be actively part of society and not withdraw from active life.
Dhruv is now 17. Most of the day he stays indoors, watching his iPad. Encouraging him to take up any new activity has fallen flatly on our face. He is cheerful, funny, makes us laugh and seems quite content with himself, at least for now.
My friend who has been running a self- help group first from her home, and now at Mitr often encourages Dhruv to participate in the works that the interns do at the centre. Over the last three months, all her requests to Dhruv have failed. I have tried telling my friend, let him be, he is happy, he doesn't seem to want to do anything. But for some reason my friend keeps checking on whether Dhruv will join in, though now I suspect she has given up.
Perhaps the 'What to do?' is not bothering either of us so much. We seem to find contentment in small things. Yes there are moments of restlessness, but they pass away speedily. Our days are fulfilling and we sleep soundly. The pace of Dhruv's life is different. Having no idea of time- of days or months or years, he lives alive in the present, neither in the past or the future. 
I see older parents take on massive responsibilities, sometimes heading centers, sometimes starting businesses, being active on the social media, taking up social causes. Each person does what he or she is compelled to do. But I have yet to come across one special adult with intellectual challenges similarly motivated. This is the sobering truth. Why are we not able to bridge this crucial gap of 'motivation'?
What can create 'motivation' in a special child/adult?

Motivation comes from the existential angst of making something meaningful of our lives, our time on earth, or from a real need for survival, or to seek the approval of another. If the protected special adult has none of these needs or desires, he has already lost on the reasons to stay motivated. I have myself and also seen others talk to their special children in voices like 'if you don't do this or do this you will be taken to the hospital when you grow up', and similar such fear-inducing blackmail. Though rarely does a special child understand anything other than 'my mom is surely annoyed with me now'! The future is a concept not clearly understood by special children, so such threats have no value. As adulthood comes, siblings realise that their special brother or sister will remain special throughout their lives and its going to be a business of managing a lot in their lives.
Some parents with a single child or not wanting to impose their child on siblings have already booked or are staying in retirement type facilities where the 'after them' question is answered.

Having now seen the gamut of raising special children from infancy to adulthood, made friends with parents from both ends, I have drawn some conclusions.

Firstly I feel, like any child, special children will need the parents' love and support and will flourish with the same. So as a parent this is the first task at hand- accept the responsibility of being a life long 'nourisher'. However much you may want to go to the 'hills that are alive', 'the sound of music' is certainly coming from the home and the hearth! So there is no running away from this.

Having accepted this, its also time to do a little more for yourself than you did before, for you have raised a child to adulthood and its time to give yourself some rope to fulfil other needs that you may have long put on hold. Write that book, paint that picture, learn that instrument, or take up any work that fulfils one.

Its time also to accept whatever is your level of success or failure in the parenting that you did, the choices you made for your child and you. Of course there will be things that went right and things that went wrong.

The final yardstick of good parenting is having a child that is stable, sane and a contributing member of society. Special adults can contribute by being a source of calm and joy, to bring families together, to live in the moment and to be there for their families in times of strife. 
                                                                              

What's the right attitude?

Its all about attitude and getting the right one at that. All of life's problems fade away when one discovers the correct attitude. Living in the special needs world since we discovered it 14 years ago, so much of my attitude has changed- from being a very hands-on mother who HAD to get her child to speak, toilet train, learn, and now to a more chilled mom who goes along with what the teenaged boy wants and lets him lead the way, a LOT has changed.

Along the way I learnt a few things which I think are quite 24 carat gold in advice or opinion, I shall myself say!

- if you have a child with autism, work on COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION- whether by teaching to type, to speak or sign language! The child's life quality will be inversely good based on how well he can communicate. 
- Also for all special kids- at some point STOP being the helicopter plus dictator parent and start becoming a friend, a guide, an empathiser.
- If your child has seizures-STOP worrying about seizures in the future- don't live like that. Hope for the best!
- If your child is physically challenged- use TECHNOLOGY- work towards ease of life for both of you.
- If your child is hyperactive- don't worry too much. But if he is so hyper that he cant learn a thing- don't hesitate on giving medicines- they are like insulin for type 2 diabetes- NO WAY OUT!
- Please don't make an enlightened master out of your child! You don't know what his past lives were like, just as you are oblivious to those of your watchman's. So quit making your child into a little Ramana!
-EXPERIMENT on different schools, therapies, medicines, approaches. Don't give up. If you find some improvement with one, DON'T advice others, just inform if asked. Everyone finds some truth in something.
- Accept that you have a different life- one that teaches you to be compassionate and understanding. Don't be a bore, but, have fun while at it!
- The special adult will always still be special and will always need compassionate people around. Be aware of that. Create the compassionate universe starting from YOU, now! The compassion that you show today to everyone around will take care of your child when he is older. Create that kindness every moment. 
- DONT suspect every child with a delayed milestone as being special! Nature is infinite. Yours was one experience. Just one!
- Don't make yourself into a blackhole for world-wide pity- read the newspaper as often as you can and place your troubles in perspective!
- At the end of the day, you are a parent, you have a child. Parenting is a natural process- the illiterate can do it, even an animal can do it. So don't loose out on your natural instincts of love and preservation. Don't over read, over study, over philosophise. Life is expressing itself through you in the form of your child. Never loose out on the miracle that is your child. 
Happy Special Parenting!

Feeling Conflicted over Krishnamurti

I recently read Radha Rajagopal Sloss's book -'Lives in the shadow with J. Krishanmurti'. The book talks of the author's very pleasant childhood at the Ojai Valley, growing up amidst nature and the father like 'Krinsh'. It gets disturbing when it reveals that K had a 25 years old affair with Rosalind Rajagopal, the author's mother, who was the wife of K's close associate Rajagopal. The marriage of Rajagopal and Rosalind was a little strange with Rajagopal deciding to abstain from sex after their daughter's birth and thereafter completely immersed in K's work, almost never sharing time with his small family.

K steps into this unhappy marriage. Rosalind even has three abortions over those years. Everything would have remained a secret between two individuals hadn't K fallen in love again. This time it was with a beautiful but unhappy wife of a Mumbai businessman, Nandini Mehta, whose more famous sister, Pupul Jayakar has written a biography of K too. On discovering K's 'infidelty', Rosalind is heart broken and reveals all to her husband, who then is completely stricken with hurt and grief. Subsequently a lot of ugliness issues between the trio with K taking Rajagopal to court and after long and expensive trials Rajagopal is exonerated without blame.

Indeed the book makes one see the 'Shadow' side of K. His need for intimacy, of wanting a family, of using persons when he needed them and discarding them later. It shows moral imbalance.

While personally I have always been impressed by K's writings and the assiduous clarity he seeks, clearing himself of conflict- its pretty obvious that his personal life had all the conflicts in the same time.

Obviously K was never a true messiah as he himself kept claiming but no one ever accepted that in his circle. K was quite human with his flaws and inconsistencies, his fears and his need for support. He himself did not deny that. The theosophical society had given him the title of the 'World Teacher', though he never accepted such a personality cult status. Yet all his life, subtly he cultivated friends and followers, established school, wrote books and lectured ceaselessly. Perhaps in his own conflicted life and through it, he was able to think of solutions which were applicable in other's lives too.

Much of what K says is today being tauted in a different language in the psychotherapy world. Conditioned thinking is nothing but a neural pathway formed in the brain which the mind conveniently accepts without questioning. Meditation as a means of entering what is present in one self now. Seeing what is, these are ideas that have caught the world's thinkers, ideas suggested by K.

For my part, after seeing the dis-functional ways of the Theosophical Society with their blind and fearful following of traditions, slowly becoming a cult and almost the same happening with the Krishnamurti foundation, it is strange to be left without the anchor of reliable support systems. To be left with one's own meager supply of what is true and beautiful in life. From early school days when i read Ayn Rand and loved her clarity albeit Neitzche inspired philosophy, i seem to need an anchoring of  exalted people inside my head. I guess part of growing up is to see that human beings are always flawed. Its only a matter of degree.