On 8th march 2001, unknown to me, I had been promoted from an ordinary mom to a special mom. The promotion, for the first 8 to 9 years, really seemed rather unfair--the 'boss' was expecting way too much from me and with no decent compensation for any efforts. The problem was being an atheist, I didn't even believe there was such a 'boss'. Left to myself, I would rather retire to the serenity of the Himalayas and live a life of study and contemplation, but here I was in the midst of 21st India where all my life I was expected to match standards, maintain goals, push myself materially, achieve my maximum. The more I took that path-which everyone said was 'right', the more unhappy I was becoming. There was no real final solution to balancing these so-called 'right' goals and also being a special mom who does justice to her disabled child. I would always have to sacrifice these so important goals of my life, my life was not going to be building a good-looking resume. These contradictions confused me for many years.
A near death accident in my child's life, shook me awake-wisdom dawned slowly on me and I realized that becoming a special mom was no cruel twist of play, not a deal a poor cards but something that was destined to happen and was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. It gave me reason to live, highlighted my short-comings, polished my positives like no other life-occurrence. I spent few years thinking, reading and understanding the laws of Karma, of the cycles of rebirth, my own self and more. I saw that I attracted incidents and experiences which were meant to change my perspective and me.
Then for a few years, I set more humane- looking goals...'Don't live for yourself, said I , live to make the lives of others better after you'...what better way than to work for the special child's improvement. This again lead to deep unhappiness- the child in question, never really improved at the rate that would make me feel-' yes he can manage'...it is going to take years and years...maybe I may have to leave this to the hands of others to help this child when he becomes a special adult. Even working for someone else's improved life seems an ambition which can cause misery. There was still something amiss.
All along the childhood ambition to prove that 'I was good enough' was never really wrong, but the definition of what is 'good' was not correct. We learnt of values and virtues but never understood their deep philosophic meaning. Now there is another cross-road- this one says-' who needs improvement? you, your family, or your child?' this time the answer is a firm 'you' and here I am wondering once again-how did I loose so much touch with who I was- become someone I didn't know or like...once again a new road- a road which begins with complete acceptance of the child who is perfect but now its the mother who is the disabled 'special'...So much that I didn't understand...so much compassion that I lacked..so much lack of inclusiveness with all that is different in my life....so much of a stereotypical thought process....so much of artificiality...oh...so much of inner work needed...
Yes, it was no cruel twist of fate, but a design to make me special...really special.
A near death accident in my child's life, shook me awake-wisdom dawned slowly on me and I realized that becoming a special mom was no cruel twist of play, not a deal a poor cards but something that was destined to happen and was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. It gave me reason to live, highlighted my short-comings, polished my positives like no other life-occurrence. I spent few years thinking, reading and understanding the laws of Karma, of the cycles of rebirth, my own self and more. I saw that I attracted incidents and experiences which were meant to change my perspective and me.
Then for a few years, I set more humane- looking goals...'Don't live for yourself, said I , live to make the lives of others better after you'...what better way than to work for the special child's improvement. This again lead to deep unhappiness- the child in question, never really improved at the rate that would make me feel-' yes he can manage'...it is going to take years and years...maybe I may have to leave this to the hands of others to help this child when he becomes a special adult. Even working for someone else's improved life seems an ambition which can cause misery. There was still something amiss.
All along the childhood ambition to prove that 'I was good enough' was never really wrong, but the definition of what is 'good' was not correct. We learnt of values and virtues but never understood their deep philosophic meaning. Now there is another cross-road- this one says-' who needs improvement? you, your family, or your child?' this time the answer is a firm 'you' and here I am wondering once again-how did I loose so much touch with who I was- become someone I didn't know or like...once again a new road- a road which begins with complete acceptance of the child who is perfect but now its the mother who is the disabled 'special'...So much that I didn't understand...so much compassion that I lacked..so much lack of inclusiveness with all that is different in my life....so much of a stereotypical thought process....so much of artificiality...oh...so much of inner work needed...
Yes, it was no cruel twist of fate, but a design to make me special...really special.
